I’ve already put away my Xmas tree for the year.  Yeah, Xmas.  I am not what you’d call the spiritual type.  I don’t know very many people who are actually celebrating the birth of Jesus and so I feel that “Christmas” is an inappropriate label for the holiday.  Xmas feels more honest.  We spend and eat to excess, thus “Xmas.”  But I digress.

Typically, the tree and decorations would stay out until after the turn of the New Year.  Not this time.  My heart was never in it.  In twenty-ten, there was no lack of people with whom to share the holiday.  Friends and family and significant others were all excited about the red and green dog-and-pony show.  I was working in a mall, and it was impossible not to be swept up in a tidal wave of gift-giving and gorging.  I had a red shirt that said “Seasons Greedy” on it, for heaven’s sake.

Twenty ‘leven never manifested that feel for me.  Now more than ever, I feel like the lone wolf that all of my fictional characters tend to be.  I didn’t do the tour of neighborhood light displays.  I wasn’t ordered to tempt and bewitch with retail goods.  Those magical two days in December were dispelled.

For a while, it bothered me that I didn’t manifest the sugarplum cheer of yesteryear.  I checked to see that my shoes weren’t too tight.  I checked to see whether my heart was several sizes too small.  Nothing.  For a second, I worried that having my odometer roll over to thirty was to blame.  Fortunately, I spend a lot of time thinking about thinking so I’m pretty good at it.  I believe I’ve figured it out.

I’ve always loved Xmas, but I never realized why.  I don’t love it for its own sake.  I love it because it’s an excuse to give things to people and make them smile.  It’s the time of year when no one eyes you suspiciously when you attempt a good deed.  Good will toward men is the rule instead of the exception.  Yeah, I liked getting stuff too, but having possessions is akin to someone “liking” your Facebook status:  neither makes you feel less lonely when you’re sitting by yourself.  Making people smile for whatever reason is what warms my frozen heart, and since I really didn’t have people, that spirit stayed packed away with the majority of the decorations.

The next post will be about my New Year’s Resolutions.  I have felt for a while that I need to change things, and NYE is as good a time as any to launch reformative efforts.  Also, for whatever it’s worth, I hope you did have a merry holiday of your choosing.

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