Archive for the ‘ Holidays ’ Category


Wait – Xmas is when?! 

(Yes, Xmas.  A consumer holiday celebrated on the same day that the faithful celebrate the birth of their savior.)

I’m not ready!  Oh, right.  The world has never once given a flying fuck about whether I’m ready.  The world asks that I prove my boast about being able to swim in the shitpool.    Or the whirlstool, if you read the last post.  Haha, poop jokes!

After a few minutes of thought, I have my list of who to shop for.  A few minutes later, I know what to buy for half of them.  I scrape the depths of my mind and recall that the other half said they’d get back to me with gift ideas.  Sigh.  Great.  At least my tree is already up.  It’s got a lonely ornament made by that special someone.  A shadow flickers across my face.  Won’t get to see her on the holiday.  No worries.  We knew this ahead of time, and the make-up time will be phenomenal.

I think I’ll be turning the lights back on at my FB page on January 1st.  This isn’t a resolution.  I think that this year I will skip resolutions and see how it goes.  I scored 2 out of 3 on last year’s, but the fewer reasons I have to beat myself up, the better.

So, what you’re seeing here is what happens when I keep thinking of a million things I want to tell someone and knowing I have to wait.  I am temporally out of sync.  I think that’d be a good start for a short story on my other page.  It’s about time that I start feeling that trickle of ideas flowing again.

I almost feel like I should let this die as a draft, but it was either here or some other social media.  Call it practice: I’m still rusty when it comes to distilling signal from all the mental noise.


Twenty Twelve

Twenty Twelve

Anyone remember the resolutions they made last year?  Lord, I hope not.  I know my own track record is abysmal.  Remember that time I promised to work out every day?  Or how about the time I decided I would finally properly manage my budget?  Haha, good times.  The only things I’ve ever successfully made stick were my cessation of drinking pop and smoking marijuana.

This year’s resolution list is going to seem like a rerun, but I’m doing it anyway.  I am going to at least pretend  to have goals.

  1.  It’s time to start taking better care of myself.  Okay, the time to do that was back when I was 18, but I didn’t.  I’m going to do better.  I’ve already been to the dentist twice at the ass end of 2011, and my smile is one thing worth saving.  Additionally, literally EVERY other bouncer is magnitudes stronger than me.  I am not going to try to match them in strength, but I want to be stronger and faster than I am right now.
  2. It’s time to find my muse again.  I managed to write half a freaking book last year.  The only thing that could top that is to write the other half and finally take my shot at getting published.  I love writing, and it’s a travesty that I do as little of it as I do.  To my credit, I didn’t go back to trying to fuel my creativity with booze, but I do need to fuel it again.  People say I’m good.   I like to say that power not used is not power.
  3. It’s time to get a damned motorcycle.  I’ve always wanted one.  Every one of my friends knows I’ve always wanted one.  I’ll bet they are sick of hearing about it by now.  So I’m going to do it.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a shitty one.  I will have a bike.

I have plans for some of this stuff.  I need plans for others.  I hate asking for help, but I think I’m going to need it and I am FUCKING SICK of failing.


I’ve already put away my Xmas tree for the year.  Yeah, Xmas.  I am not what you’d call the spiritual type.  I don’t know very many people who are actually celebrating the birth of Jesus and so I feel that “Christmas” is an inappropriate label for the holiday.  Xmas feels more honest.  We spend and eat to excess, thus “Xmas.”  But I digress.

Typically, the tree and decorations would stay out until after the turn of the New Year.  Not this time.  My heart was never in it.  In twenty-ten, there was no lack of people with whom to share the holiday.  Friends and family and significant others were all excited about the red and green dog-and-pony show.  I was working in a mall, and it was impossible not to be swept up in a tidal wave of gift-giving and gorging.  I had a red shirt that said “Seasons Greedy” on it, for heaven’s sake.

Twenty ‘leven never manifested that feel for me.  Now more than ever, I feel like the lone wolf that all of my fictional characters tend to be.  I didn’t do the tour of neighborhood light displays.  I wasn’t ordered to tempt and bewitch with retail goods.  Those magical two days in December were dispelled.

For a while, it bothered me that I didn’t manifest the sugarplum cheer of yesteryear.  I checked to see that my shoes weren’t too tight.  I checked to see whether my heart was several sizes too small.  Nothing.  For a second, I worried that having my odometer roll over to thirty was to blame.  Fortunately, I spend a lot of time thinking about thinking so I’m pretty good at it.  I believe I’ve figured it out.

I’ve always loved Xmas, but I never realized why.  I don’t love it for its own sake.  I love it because it’s an excuse to give things to people and make them smile.  It’s the time of year when no one eyes you suspiciously when you attempt a good deed.  Good will toward men is the rule instead of the exception.  Yeah, I liked getting stuff too, but having possessions is akin to someone “liking” your Facebook status:  neither makes you feel less lonely when you’re sitting by yourself.  Making people smile for whatever reason is what warms my frozen heart, and since I really didn’t have people, that spirit stayed packed away with the majority of the decorations.

The next post will be about my New Year’s Resolutions.  I have felt for a while that I need to change things, and NYE is as good a time as any to launch reformative efforts.  Also, for whatever it’s worth, I hope you did have a merry holiday of your choosing.